The Memory Still Remains...

It is already one year and four months now that Francis is gone but his memory still remains in my heart and mind. A mother will always be a mother and he will always be my son. I miss him...everybody misses him...because he left so many good memories to remember...his expressive eyes, his captivating smile, his sensitivity with the feelings of other people, his unique way of making others happy, the sacrifices he made for his siblings, brotherly hugs and thoughtful text messages, his endearing words and encouraging advices, his songs...dances...jokes...laughters...theater acts...and a lot more! We couldn't forget him just like that! My world is not so wonderful without him but I know a much better place is enjoying his presence now!

Faces of Francis a week before he left...

August 4, 2007 5:39pm Saturday...last picture of BIG BRO with small bro

August 6, 2007 6:06pm Monday...lakas tama, 70% alcohol ba naman

August 6, 2007 6:08pm, Tuesday...wwhhhaatttt?

August 6, 2007 10:31pm, Monday...pensive mood...

August 7, 2007 2:51pm, Tuesday...wala nagmamahal sa akin...huhuhu...

August 7, 2007 2:52pm, Tuesday...wow, genius! pogi pa...hehehe

August 7, 2007 2:53pm, Tuesday...kikay time muna...ahehehe!

August 7, 2007 2:54pm, Tuesday...serious sa work, wag kayo maingay!

August 7, 2007 2:54pm, Tuesday...hmmm...ssaarrraaappp! (props lang po yan!)

August 7, 2007 2:55pm, Tuesday....whheeewww! ang lamig...kuno!

August 7, 2007 2:56pm, Tuesday...hay, ang hirap kunan ng sarili ko!

August 7, 2007 3:10pm, Tuesday...ooppsss, work muna!

August 7, 2007 7:19pm, Tuesday...pogi naman ako di ba?

August 7, 2007 7:20pm, Tuesday...hala, naputol ang kamay ko!

August 7, 2007 7:30pm, Tuesday...o yan, pogi ba ko dyan?

August 7, 2007 7:31pm, Tuesday...o di ba, pogi me?...hehehe...

August 8, 2007 8:49am, Wednesday...ang laki ng eyebags ko...hehehe

August 8, 2007 8:52am, Wednesday...sideview na nga lang!

August 8, 2007 11:31am, Wednesday...laki talaga eyebags, puyat kasi lagi eh...

August 8, 2007 11:55am, Wednesday...MY EYES

August 8, 2007 8:50am, Wednesday...Hi, Hello!

August 8, 2007 8:53am, Wednesday

August 10, 2007 9:26am, Friday...last picture of Francis in the office...

These pictures were shot by himself using my new N70 cellphone which was bought last August 3, 2007. Joan, a management employee detailed in our office, and me were laughing at him because my cellphone was always low in battery. He told me that once he already uploaded his pictures in his friendster account, I can delete his pictures in my cellphone but thanks God, I didn't delete them. That was the purpose of my new cellphone...that was the purpose why he took many shots of his face...to leave souvenirs of himself for me and for all of us to see!

It Still Hurts...

Have you experienced the same ordeal that I've been through? It really hurts, isn't it? It is a nightmare!

When my son died, I was grieving so hard...I felt so sad...I felt so much pain in my heart...always asking why it happened to him and not to anyone whose life was not worth living for...why him, he was just 23 years old, a loving, kind and responsible son and brother, smart, friendly and talented, athletic and God-fearing? Why God didn't give him a chance to live a second life, while many undergone strokes for the 2nd, 3rd and so much times and yet still living?...why...why...why?

On the 3rd night of his wake, I was sitting alone in front of his coffin...crying thinking and once more asking God of why HE let my son died. As I was crying, I noticed the carvings on the wood where his coffin was placed...a carving of "Pieta". It was Mary with Jesus on her hand, crying over the dead body of her Son. From that very moment, I felt as if Mama Mary was talking to me, saying these words, "Why are you crying? You are sad and lonely because your good son died? Don't be sad...he is now in God's hands! Don't you remember, my Son Jesus also died?...He was the only begotten Son of God but He sacrificed Himself for you and me and for all other people. I understand what you are going through...you are a mother and so I am...it really hurts but your son is going to the FATHER...HE called on to your son and he just responded to HIS call because it is already his time to rest, so cry no more because your son is now happy and at peace."

I felt so ashamed for all the bad thoughts I had...I was so narrow-minded and selfish... so I asked forgiveness from God. I have no right to question God because God is righteous. HE has better plans for each and everyone. We may not understand it, but still we have to trust God. So, i have nothing to do but to accept the fact that my son died because his mission on earth was already finished. He just arrived to his destination, in the House of our Creator. Everybody has their own time to rest and it so happened that my son's time came earlier. It still hurts inside, but i know in God's time the wound will heal...

a mother's guilt

Have you ever experienced guilt that almost tear your whole being apart? Not yet?...well, I went through that chapter of my life! It brought so much pain in my heart and mind. If I could only bring back the time...if I could only change the past...

One month before my son died, I had this strange feeling...I was afraid of something I don't even know what it was. In the middle of the night, i woke up feeling so nervous. The feeling was so strange. It made me think that maybe I was going insane because I felt nervous of something I can't explain...or maybe I was having a heart illness because when I felt nervous there was also chest pain. So, I prayed to calm down myself...I prayed hard asking God's mercy to take control if something bad has to happen...I asked HIM to watched over my family especially my children. But no matter where that feeling came from and whatever it signified, I leave everything to God.

Then all of a sudden, I began to worry about my son, Nonoy. He was gaining more weight than before. I kept on telling him to go on a diet and start exercising again. But he always joked on it. At the back of my head, I was so worried about him because we had a history of heart illness in the family. My father died at the age of 27 due to cardiac arrest while he was asleep. My father's cousin also died the same reason at a young age after graduating from engineering course. Both my parent's brother died also of the same illness.

August 9, 2007, thursday, he told me he was not able to slept the whole night and he felt so cold. Well, it was really rainy season that time, so I told him that it was just normal to felt cold. The next day, August 10, friday, he complained of feeling dizzy and tired of going down and up the stairs. I told him to go to the admin or the property office to have his blood pressure checked. But he remained in his seat and continued playing with my N70 cellphone.

August 11, 2007, saturday...after lunch we had our family bonding. I sat on our long wooden chair and nonoy lie-down with his head on my lap and asked that his head, forehead and left leg be given a massage. While giving him massage on his forehead, I told him that I have a good news...that is, he will continue his 4th year in ECE course by June 2008 because his brother will soon graduate in May. He was so happy about that. He started sharing his plans to us. He told us that he will shift to computer science course, anyway, according to him he will also graduate in two years. Then after college, he planned of going abroad to help us. He said he will buy a car and put up his own business. I told him I will be happier and fulfilled as a mother when they all finish their college degrees. Though we are not rich and our house is small, it will be great to see their diplomas and certificates hanging on the wall because I consider education as the best legacy that we could hand over to them, something much more important than money or wealth.

After that bonding moment, he took a short nap. Woke up at around 5:00pm, took a shower at 6:30pm and went out of the house. At 7:00pm I texted him to return home to have dinner with us but texted back that he didn't like to eat. At about 8:30pm I was surprised to see him already inside our house. Unlike the regular weekend nights wherein he usually came back at 11:30pm or 12:30am. He played with his younger sister and little brother. My husband said Nonoy ate dinner at 9:30pm. Before his sister went to bed, he joked her once more by placing the curtain around his face and made different faces to frightened her. After that he watched tv with his father until 1:00am. At 2:30am his grandmother woke up and joined him in watching the replay telecast of basketball game between Philippines and China. They were really amused of what they were watching because I heard them laughing so loud. I wanted to join them but i was so sleepy. According to my mother they stopped watching at almost 4:00am.

Past 5:00am, I heard my daughter calling his brother's name, telling him to wake up, asking him what's happening to him. I heard it once and my instuition told me that something wrong was happening to Nonoy. Without waiting for my daughter's second call, I hurriedly went to their bedroom and grabbed Nonoy's hands while he was unconsious and having mumbling sounds...I told him to wake up...I told him not to play on me, not that moment, not that kind of joke...I opened up his mouth and I saw his tongue was coiled and purple...I tried to pump his chest...then my husband did a CPR on him...

My husband told me to went outside and asked for some help. I was crying as I went outside...I kneeled for help until two of our neighbors came. They got a tricycle and we hurriedly brought my son to the hospital. I sat at the backseat of the tricycle's driver and repeatedly asking God's mercy not to take away my son's life, not that moment..."Oh please, dear God...no!" "Have mercy on my son...my loving son". At last we reached the hospital...but the doctor couldn't do anything more to save my son's life...he was pronounced dead on arrival at 6:20am. My husband told me that a few minutes away from the hospital, my son took his last breath.

I couldn't believed that in just a couple of hours, my son would be dead. I should have consulted him to a doctor when he complained of headache and dizziness. I thought it was just his migraine that when given enough rest and mefenamic acid, his condition will be back to normal again. I love my son...God knows how much I love him... but I think I've never been a good mother because I lost him... I lost a very kind, loving and responsible son...and I hated myself so much...

First blog for my son "Nonoy"

Writing is one of my passion, but because i got so busy with family and work for the last twenty-six years, i wasn't able to find extra time to do some writings. Looking back, I remember having received an award as "Best in Formal Theme-Filipino" when I was in high school. I also remember making poems during college days, diaries and journals when something pops-up in my mind. I miss doing those things...

Now, I am still busy just like twenty-six years ago but the memory of my son "Francis Ryan" inspired me to write again. He died of cardiac arrest on August 12, 2007, 6:20am. DOA at DMMH, Atimonan, Quezon. Today, Dec. 6 is his birthday...Aside from prayers, I thought of writing a blog as my gift for him. Forty days after he died, I planned of making a blog but everytime I started writing, tears kept pouring down my face and I can't continue writing anymore. The pain that I've been through brought about by his lost kept coming back in my mind, so I stopped writing. Today is his 25th birthday and I think I am now ready to write something for him.

To you my son, wherever you are I know you are very happy and peaceful because with God's grace, you are now in the highest level where all the saints, angels and holy people gather to praise God. Happy Birthday "Nonoy"...you are my strength and inspiration...my son and my bestfriend...I love you so much and I will never forget you!