a mother's guilt

Have you ever experienced guilt that almost tear your whole being apart? Not yet?...well, I went through that chapter of my life! It brought so much pain in my heart and mind. If I could only bring back the time...if I could only change the past...

One month before my son died, I had this strange feeling...I was afraid of something I don't even know what it was. In the middle of the night, i woke up feeling so nervous. The feeling was so strange. It made me think that maybe I was going insane because I felt nervous of something I can't explain...or maybe I was having a heart illness because when I felt nervous there was also chest pain. So, I prayed to calm down myself...I prayed hard asking God's mercy to take control if something bad has to happen...I asked HIM to watched over my family especially my children. But no matter where that feeling came from and whatever it signified, I leave everything to God.

Then all of a sudden, I began to worry about my son, Nonoy. He was gaining more weight than before. I kept on telling him to go on a diet and start exercising again. But he always joked on it. At the back of my head, I was so worried about him because we had a history of heart illness in the family. My father died at the age of 27 due to cardiac arrest while he was asleep. My father's cousin also died the same reason at a young age after graduating from engineering course. Both my parent's brother died also of the same illness.

August 9, 2007, thursday, he told me he was not able to slept the whole night and he felt so cold. Well, it was really rainy season that time, so I told him that it was just normal to felt cold. The next day, August 10, friday, he complained of feeling dizzy and tired of going down and up the stairs. I told him to go to the admin or the property office to have his blood pressure checked. But he remained in his seat and continued playing with my N70 cellphone.

August 11, 2007, saturday...after lunch we had our family bonding. I sat on our long wooden chair and nonoy lie-down with his head on my lap and asked that his head, forehead and left leg be given a massage. While giving him massage on his forehead, I told him that I have a good news...that is, he will continue his 4th year in ECE course by June 2008 because his brother will soon graduate in May. He was so happy about that. He started sharing his plans to us. He told us that he will shift to computer science course, anyway, according to him he will also graduate in two years. Then after college, he planned of going abroad to help us. He said he will buy a car and put up his own business. I told him I will be happier and fulfilled as a mother when they all finish their college degrees. Though we are not rich and our house is small, it will be great to see their diplomas and certificates hanging on the wall because I consider education as the best legacy that we could hand over to them, something much more important than money or wealth.

After that bonding moment, he took a short nap. Woke up at around 5:00pm, took a shower at 6:30pm and went out of the house. At 7:00pm I texted him to return home to have dinner with us but texted back that he didn't like to eat. At about 8:30pm I was surprised to see him already inside our house. Unlike the regular weekend nights wherein he usually came back at 11:30pm or 12:30am. He played with his younger sister and little brother. My husband said Nonoy ate dinner at 9:30pm. Before his sister went to bed, he joked her once more by placing the curtain around his face and made different faces to frightened her. After that he watched tv with his father until 1:00am. At 2:30am his grandmother woke up and joined him in watching the replay telecast of basketball game between Philippines and China. They were really amused of what they were watching because I heard them laughing so loud. I wanted to join them but i was so sleepy. According to my mother they stopped watching at almost 4:00am.

Past 5:00am, I heard my daughter calling his brother's name, telling him to wake up, asking him what's happening to him. I heard it once and my instuition told me that something wrong was happening to Nonoy. Without waiting for my daughter's second call, I hurriedly went to their bedroom and grabbed Nonoy's hands while he was unconsious and having mumbling sounds...I told him to wake up...I told him not to play on me, not that moment, not that kind of joke...I opened up his mouth and I saw his tongue was coiled and purple...I tried to pump his chest...then my husband did a CPR on him...

My husband told me to went outside and asked for some help. I was crying as I went outside...I kneeled for help until two of our neighbors came. They got a tricycle and we hurriedly brought my son to the hospital. I sat at the backseat of the tricycle's driver and repeatedly asking God's mercy not to take away my son's life, not that moment..."Oh please, dear God...no!" "Have mercy on my son...my loving son". At last we reached the hospital...but the doctor couldn't do anything more to save my son's life...he was pronounced dead on arrival at 6:20am. My husband told me that a few minutes away from the hospital, my son took his last breath.

I couldn't believed that in just a couple of hours, my son would be dead. I should have consulted him to a doctor when he complained of headache and dizziness. I thought it was just his migraine that when given enough rest and mefenamic acid, his condition will be back to normal again. I love my son...God knows how much I love him... but I think I've never been a good mother because I lost him... I lost a very kind, loving and responsible son...and I hated myself so much...